I admit it

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, this whole staying at home thing.

I never realized how very much importance and worth I placed on my career. How much it defined me as a person. I am fighting daily with not really wanting to do this whole Mom thing. I don’t want to be the Mommy anymore. Don’t get me wrong, anyone who knows me knows how very much I love and adore my kids and if that were all I had to do, this job would be great! It’s the drudgery of it all, to wake up to the same old thing. To wake up to another day of cleaning, feeding and breaking up fights. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I worked for so many years that I don’t relate to all the stay at home mommies, the little mommy cliques at school, at the park, at the library. I still feel like an outsider, in fact I have felt like an outsider my entire life, in everything I do. Funny really, I spent the first 23 years of my life trying to be different than everyone, pushing the envelope and living the life less ordinary, but I never really fit in there. Now I sit typing in my own safe little piece of suburbia and I don’t fit in here either.

Sigh, maybe the holidays just got to me, it’s probably the exhaustion of it all. I am sure I’ll snap out of it and figure it all out. Soon I hope I can be as great of a Mommy as I was in my professional life.

I am NOT perfect.

I have had so many people tell me and Ruben as of late tell me they think I/my life/my kids are perfect. This really disturbs me because most days I feel like the most broken person on the earth.

There is this curse that has been bestowed on my family that we resonate perfection in all areas of our lives but in reality we are just as broken as everyone else. I have really tried over the past couple of years to shake this stigma that follows me but it does not seem to be working!

How in the world can I break out from this “Martha Stewart” image?

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Courtney - December 28, 2009 - 3:32 am

You are singing to my choir AR. I can't tell you how clearly I hear what you're bloggin'. Don't try to "break out" from the 'Martha Stewart' image….we all think other people's lives are so perfect looking. It's not until you really know others that you see how un-perfect we all are. (Those are your good friends BTW.) As crazy this probably makes you feel – you're real my friend.

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