I never realized how very much importance and worth I placed on my career. How much it defined me as a person. I am fighting daily with not really wanting to do this whole Mom thing. I don’t want to be the Mommy anymore. Don’t get me wrong, anyone who knows me knows how very much I love and adore my kids and if that were all I had to do, this job would be great! It’s the drudgery of it all, to wake up to the same old thing. To wake up to another day of cleaning, feeding and breaking up fights. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
I worked for so many years that I don’t relate to all the stay at home mommies, the little mommy cliques at school, at the park, at the library. I still feel like an outsider, in fact I have felt like an outsider my entire life, in everything I do. Funny really, I spent the first 23 years of my life trying to be different than everyone, pushing the envelope and living the life less ordinary, but I never really fit in there. Now I sit typing in my own safe little piece of suburbia and I don’t fit in here either.
Sigh, maybe the holidays just got to me, it’s probably the exhaustion of it all. I am sure I’ll snap out of it and figure it all out. Soon I hope I can be as great of a Mommy as I was in my professional life.