Gettin’ ready for school!

I gave in.  I let Tommy cut his hair.  The last 2 times we had his hair cut we went to my Hairstylist and I refused to let him cut his locks.  He would walk out looking like some kid star with GREAT hair.  After we missed our appointment with her, and looking at how shabby the boys hair had gotten, I opted for a quick hair cut.  Tommy begged to cut all of his hair off.  A quick call to Dad to validate that “it’s only hair, it’ll grow back.  Let him do what he wants”.  I know that BUT, BUT…   I remember when I was younger I ALWAYS experimented with my hair and my Mom would freak out.  I never got it until now, and that’s with a BOY!  I can’t even imagine what I’ll do when Ruby decides to start dyeing, cutting and doing all kinds of stupid things with her hair. Ugh!  Anyhow, both Tommy and Lucas chopped their hair. Short hair is Lucas’ preference and it suits him but I had forgotten just how pretty Tommy’s eyes were.  I can see them again.  He can’t hide behind a cloak of hair when he’s mad at me.  I can SEE him again!  He really is so handsome, no matter how his hair is!

melissa - September 6, 2011 - 4:24 am

those are some good lookin kids.

cool hair tommy.

The things that punctuate life.

There are the BIG events that punctuate a life.  A birth, a graduation, a wedding, a death…

The Hubby and I were watching a scene from the movie Braveheart last night where this little boy walks into his home, and finds his Dad dead on a table.  The Hubby turns to me and says “Can you even Imagine finding your Dad dead?”  To which I responded, “Why yes, yes I can actually!”  He knew, as the words were leaving his lips that he wanted to suck them back in.  We laughed at the irony of it.

I don’t think about it often, but lately I have. Maybe because it’s been 10 years, I don’t really know the reason.

You see,  It was no big secret that my Mom and Dad had issues.  It was no secret that my Dad was sick, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  I was 27 and Mom had just moved out of the house, for good this time.  Dad knew that she was not coming back and, he was really depressed.  I went over to check on him and found him in his blue robe and boxer shorts on his lazy boy smoking a cigarette with an ash that was 3 inches long. That lazy boy had burn holes all over it from Dad falling asleep with lit cigarettes, often Mom and I would remove them from his hands when we knew he had passed out.  Man, I HATE those chairs with an all out passion, they represent the dark times.  The times that Dad would sit in that chair and do nothing but drink for days on end.  Anyway, his beard was all scruffy and I am not sure how long it had been since he showered, but I could still see behind the puffy swelling, his big blue eyes searching for some sort of love or acceptance.  I put on my happy face and said “Hi Daddy!, how long has it been since you’ve eaten?”, I threw open the blinds, turned off the TV and kissed him on the forehead.  He said to me “She’s really gone this time isn’t she?”  I responded with “Ya, Dad.  She is.”  He sobbed putting his scared hands over his face. He said “I have nothing left.”  I, of course, told him not to be silly that he had Ruben and I and we’d always be here for him.

Looking around the house and fridge, I could tell he hadn’t eaten.  The milk was sour and there were no dishes in the sink, so I decided to go to the market and fill up his fridge.  As I was leaving the house that day, I told him I loved him and I’d check on him the next day.  His last words to me were “I wish I just had a Gun.”  It wasn’t the first time I’d heard my Dad talk of suicide.  He would threaten it every single time My Mom and I left him, so I guess I didn’t really take it seriously.  I kissed him on the forehead again and told him he didn’t really mean that and to stop it.  Maybe I should have listened because for the next 2 days I kept calling the house and no one would answer.  That was not like Dad.  He would always be the first one to the phone always waiting for someone to talk to.  He was very social, very likeable like that.

The Hubby had his own business at the time and he worked 24/7, we had only been married a little over a year with no kids so it allowed him lots of time to work.  I popped over to his office and told him that I was going down to the house to check on my Dad. I told him that he hadn’t answered my calls in 2 days.  The Hubby took one look at me, stood up and stated that he was going with me.  I told him “no” (of course), that I was fine (as always) and that he had lots of work to do and I didn’t want to interrupt that. Thank goodness he didn’t listen to me.

The 30 min drive down was almost silent, I only remember one thing about it, the song on the radio.  It was ALIVE by Pearl Jam.  What eerie, lasting lyrics.

His car was in the driveway, phew! I thought.  I pounded on the door yelling DAD!  DAD!  The only thing I heard was the dog barking, I had forgotten my key so we hopped the back fence and went around to the arcadia door, I saw him there in that chair, with the same blue robe and the same boxer shorts, asleep.

“Ruben, something doesn’t look right to me, (as I’m pulling frantically on the handle)  damn, the door is locked!” Crawling through the doggie door to get in, I quickly unlocked the door for Ruben, took one look at my Dad, turned to Ruben and said “He’s dead.”

“No, he’s just passed out Anji.” Ruben said.

I touched him.  He was ice cold.  He was gone. He was only 52.

The rest of that day was a blur, I remember we called 911, my Mom, The Hubby’s family and, eventually we left.  I was numb.  Part of me was relieved that the total and utter drama and chaos that was my childhood was gone, and part of me felt guilty for not listening to my Dad when he said he wished he had a gun.  About 2 months later, we were vacationing in Puerto Vallarta and I found out I was 2 months pregnant with Tommy.  And, ironically,  Lucas shares his birthday with the day my Dad died.  No coincidences here, Dad.  You are still alive in many ways and you have found a way to be in the middle of it all.

There are parts of my Dad I really miss and as time goes on, I am beginning to lose sight of some of the bad stuff, and remember the good stuff to share with my kids.  Despite all of his issues, at heart my Dad was a good man, it’s all he wanted to be, but it was just too hard for him.

 

 

Carolyn Escobedo - September 2, 2011 - 7:06 pm

wow.

Mom - September 5, 2011 - 10:42 pm

He was 51. This brought a tear to my eyes.

Embrace.

I tried all day to get a decent shot for embrace the camera.  Wasn’t happening.  I’ve had strep throat, and my face is all puffy so 1/2 of them were deleted out of sheer vanity!  I got these two when Ruby and I were coloring outside while the boys were doing jumps off of the sidewalk with their scooters.

 

 

emily anderson - September 3, 2011 - 7:18 pm

yuck to strep…i had that a few months ago. it was the worst.

but yah to these pictures…i love the coloring moments you captured. your ruby is a doll.

Best Buds.

I am pretty sure that along with her father, no man will ever measure up to her big brother.  Eli is her best little buddy.  The two of them play so well together and he just adores her.  I found them like this, all snuggled up on my bed.  So stinkin’ cute.  Ruby is standing right next to me as I type this saying “MY LI LI”  and trying to reach the screen as if to grab him out of the picture.

The Hubby and I took a parenting class once and they told us to envision how you want your family to “look” when it’s all grown up and then,  try to raise them up like that.  MY MAIN thing is that I want all of my kids to love each other. To have relationships, to meet each other for lunches, summer BBQ’s at each others houses and to have each others backs.  Now and always.

For Sale.

One Fish tank.  Gently used.

Yup, that’s right the last little fishy kicked the proverbial bucket this morning.  I have to say it did teach the kids a little about mortality.  When Gregg died, Tommy had tears in his eyes.  When I found the last fish this morning, he didn’t even want to come down to participate in the flushing ceremony!

I would much prefer a dog to fish, reptiles or small rats (guinea pigs).  Ruben thinks I’m crazy but I REALLY want to get the kids a dog for Christmas.  I always grew up with pets and I think it’s good for them. I think I am almost ready.  Maybe if Ruby is potty trained by then, I’ll feel more strongly about convincing him…I see a Lucy moment coming my way soon!  Who will by my Ethel?

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