I was not kidding when I titled this blog My, Life My Kids and the Voices In My Head.
This is the ugly side of me. We all have one and I have really been debating on weather to talk about this here but, If this is to be a true honest picture of my life then I have to be real. Mom, please forgive me (or stop right here and don’t read any further).
I hurt, I am in pain 24/7. All over, stabbing throbbing, numbness, tingling types of pain. I have been to about 8 different doctors to try and figure out what is wrong with me. It started with blood tests then nerve conduction tests. Diagnosis from thyroid issues to neuropathy to fibromyalgia. Some days are worse than others and the days that it’s worse usually is a day that is accompanied with high anxiety. The anxiety comes out of nowhere, the day can be just like the one before it, the same laundry, same dishes, same crazy schedule but for some reason my friend Anxiety decides to join me for the ride. With the anxiety there is a lot of what I call “noise” in my head, It makes things really hard to accomplish because the noise sometimes is so loud that I can’t think.
I’ve always been kinda hyper and jumpy, but I was able to channel it and create something and then I’d feel better. I called it energy. Now the way I have to create is a little different. I am creating a family, a home, memories and finding it difficult to derive the same sort of worth out of it. The 3 things right now that I get a lot of joy from (aside from my family of course) are Cooking, Taking Pictures and Blogging …well and Surfing, but that is really hard to get out and do with the kids. I am able to feel accomplished when I do these things. But there are days when I can’t get to any of the options above (and forget any other kind of art!) and below is a snapshot of what happens when my energy is not used.
Anxiety stinks. I really struggle with it and I think it’s causing my pain. But my anxiety is just another manifestation of old issues I have dealt with. Which are, I think, a direct translation from my childhood and things that I never dealt with. Anxiety for me is my new issue. Does any of that make any sense? Basically I think that my mind is making my body hurt. It really is all in my head, but how do I stop it? Today I went to a Psychologist (dare I say it) and I’m pretty broken. She asked me if I had ever looked up the symptoms for depression and I of course told her I was not depressed that I have a beautiful family and a very blessed life, then she dropped a bomb on me and said: “Honey depression and anxiety are pretty much the same thing”. Great, what am I going to do with that! SOOOOO, I did a little project to try to reduce the noise in my head after my visit with her and below is the result (mom, don’t look). It’s just a start but this should be an interesting journey. My homework is “thought stopping” and “breathing”. Apparently I breath very rapidly depriving myself of oxygen which makes my anxiety worse. Vicious cycle. Story of my life.