It really is all in my head, but how do I stop it?

I was not kidding when I titled this blog My, Life My Kids and the Voices In My Head.

This is the ugly side of me.  We all have one and I have really been debating on weather to talk about this here but, If this is to be a true honest picture of my life then I have to be real. Mom, please forgive me (or stop right here and don’t read any further).

I hurt, I am in pain 24/7.  All over, stabbing throbbing, numbness, tingling types of pain. I have been to about 8 different doctors to try and figure out what is wrong with me.  It started with blood tests then nerve conduction tests. Diagnosis from thyroid issues to neuropathy to fibromyalgia. Some days are worse than others and the days that it’s worse usually is a day that is accompanied with high anxiety. The anxiety comes out of nowhere, the day can be just like the one before it, the same laundry, same dishes, same crazy schedule but for some reason my friend Anxiety decides to join me for the ride.  With the anxiety there is a lot of what I call “noise” in my head, It makes things really hard to accomplish because the noise sometimes is so loud that I can’t think.

I’ve always been kinda hyper and jumpy, but I was able to channel it and create something and then I’d feel better.  I called it energy.  Now the way I have to create is a little different.  I am creating a family, a home, memories and finding it difficult to derive the same sort of worth out of it. The 3 things right now that I get a lot of joy from (aside from my family of course) are Cooking, Taking Pictures and Blogging …well and Surfing, but that is really hard to get out and do with the kids.  I am able to feel accomplished when I do these things. But there are days when I can’t get to any of the options above (and forget any other kind of art!) and below is a snapshot of what happens when my energy is not used.

Anxiety stinks.  I really struggle with it and I think it’s causing my pain. But my anxiety is just another manifestation of old issues I have dealt with. Which are, I think, a direct translation from my childhood and things that I never dealt with.  Anxiety for me is my new issue. Does any of that make any sense?  Basically I think that my mind is making my body hurt. It really is all in my head, but how do I stop it?  Today I went to a Psychologist (dare I say it) and I’m pretty broken. She asked me if I had ever looked up the symptoms for depression and I of course told her I was not depressed that I have a beautiful family and a very blessed life, then she dropped a bomb on me and said: “Honey depression and anxiety are pretty much the same thing”.  Great, what am I going to do with that!  SOOOOO, I did a little project to try to reduce the noise in my head after my visit with her and below is the result (mom, don’t look).  It’s just a start but this should be an interesting journey.  My homework is “thought stopping” and “breathing”.  Apparently I breath very rapidly depriving myself of oxygen which makes my anxiety worse. Vicious cycle.  Story of my life.

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Mom - November 16, 2010 - 1:45 am

Of course I had to read it. You’re my baby and whatever hurts you, hurts me. I need to know. I got frustrated cuz the pictures wouldn’t open, probably my retarded home computer, or maybe you blocked them.

We went through a lot when you were growing up. I dealt with it by drinking, and closing off my mind about your father. Living basically for you.

We were very close you and I trying to protect each other and you were too young to try to protect me. It was just really hard, and yes I went a little nuts sometimes

Mom - November 16, 2010 - 1:54 am

I think that maybe you have some questions to ask me about what went on, things that children forget. I can only give you my side of things, as your father is gone.

I always worried about the fact that you seemed really needy, don’t know if that has anything to do with this.

You do know that your father loved you very much, and you always know I do too. You’ll ALWAYS be my number one baby.

Miss Brenda - August 15, 2011 - 11:49 pm

Life is difficult for so many of us and we are all just trying to cope and get through each day. I have often wished I was as together and as confident as you seem all the time. Here I thought you were perfect. I love you Miss Anji and you are perfect to me! Jesus says you are too! I will pray for your physical pain and emotional healing for your heart mind and soul. As far as your beautiful mother goes I know she loves and adores you! I know you get your awesomeness from her. I cant believe I never read this until today. You don’t know how much this ministered to me. Love you!

anji - August 16, 2011 - 3:56 pm

you are very sweet, brenda. It’s funny how our perception from the outside can be so very different than what is actually the reality for most. it seems to me that the people i think have it all together are usually the ones who are the most broken. one day i am sure that I’ll really have it all together. i used to think i did, then i had kids! HA!

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